Time to Call it… September 8, 2011

Image by Badly Drawn Dad via Flickr

There comes a point in time where you just have to “call it.” You know what I’m talking about and you see it all the time on all those doctor shows: the patient has flatlined and the doctors are working feverishly to revive the patient; but, you get to a point where you know the patient isn’t going to recover and you’ve got to call it. Well, that’s how I feel about my last laparoscopy. FAIL

The failure of my surgery has nothing to do with the treatment I received; it has to do with the fact that my body hates me!

I have been wondering if it was a mistake to have this last surgery. But, I have realized that we learned some very valuable information which we would not have been able to otherwise ascertain: no active endo lesions (I have not yet received the pathology reports from surgery, but I don’t expect this to change)! Yay for no Endo! Nay for Adhesions! At least we know what the problem is that we’re dealing with! I’m so grateful for this info. Lupron had been offered to me as a treatment option (along with birth control pills, etc.), and I turned it down due to the terrible weight gain and side effects. Going on Lupron again would have only made me fatter and crazier and would not have treated my adhesion problem. Thank God for learning what we did!

I feel almost embarrassed to go to my post-op appointment next week and tell the doctor that it didn’t work. Why? I think it’s because I had approached this surgeon believing the surgery would help and I guess I feel stupid now. It’s silly to feel this way. I’m waiting until Tuesday to make my next move, but it’s off to the pain clinic I go.

And let me tell you about my therapist while I’m on the subject of the pain clinic. I would think that a therapist (whom I’ve been going to for years for my anxiety issue) would be supportive of my next steps. She basically told me that pain clinics only prescribe pills and I’m going to end up addicted. Really? This is what you tell an anxious person??? And not only that, you have essentially shot down all hope that I have of living a normal life. There are NO other options available to me. What am I supposed to do? I thought it was total B.S. I’m not going to have a pain addiction because I am refusing to go the pain med route. Duh – how do I get addicted if I won’t take them?!?! I don’t wish this problem on anyone, but I’d seriously like to see how she’d feel if she was in my shoes and someone told her that. Some people!

Can we Please Fast Forward??? August 24, 2011

With each day that passes since my surgery on August 15th, I stress myself out more about the outcome of this surgery. Can we fast forward a few weeks so that we can know if the surgery actually helped? I am terrified to think that it may not have helped at all. If so, what do I do? There are some great pain management clinics in and around the Boston area so that will be my next stop. Of course, it is still too early to tell. I think I should be having no pain at this point, but I do. I don’t think I usually feel like I do now. I think by now, most of my pain is gone. That isn’t the case at all. When I conceived my daughter in 2009, just 3 days after surgery (which was extensive endo and adhesion removal), I was good enough to do the deed! 🙂 I know I have to give it more time and I am trying my best to be patient.